The Stories We Tell

How to converse well even when stressed.

Fuelled by fears and misinformation around COVID-19, polarising opinions and world views found the perfect storm to rock the foundations of personal relationships, as well as small-and-large-scale-associations. Stories and conspiracy theories once believed too farfetched, sought, and found a footing in mainstream conversations.

As we navigate these times, it is more important than ever to be mindful of our written and spoken words. People are stressed. They may not be so patient to explore the subtle nuances of your intentions. For some, gaps in thought can be scary. Not knowing can be intimidating. Assuming we know, could also be damaging. While no one should have to walk on eggshells in relationships that matter, guarding against telling the wrong story about a situation could be helpful to building or maintaining more positive relationships.

With trust in institutions such as major news media companies eroding, coupled with the explosion in availability of unregulated information online, society’s vulnerability to misinformation is more alarming than ever. As re-education around the need to examine and verify information sources grows, as more people understand the relative ease with which false news stories can be created and distributed, and as vaccinations help turn the tide against COVID-19 and society finds some form of balance; we can hope that not too many good relationships would be left broken.

In the same way as we should make the effort to check the validity of controversial news, we should narrow that down to our personal and work relationships too. How often have we listened to the ‘news report’ in our heads about someone else’s words and actions only to find out it is not what we thought?

Here are 9 steps you can take to sidestep the dangers of miscommunication:

• Pay attention to the words being spoken. Be tuned in to what is being said.
• Do not be hasty to form your response before the other person has finished speaking.
• If you are not clear on what was said, be willing to repeat the words to them. However, do not be patronising, sarcastic or condescending.
• Watch your tone. Does it match the discussion?
• In an argument, you do not have to remain there if it is about to become a shouting match. You can walk away before irretrievable words are spoken, and consider returning when everyone is calm, or with a mediator.
• Do not prejudge motives. If there are outstanding matters between you and the person, clear the air before you tackle other matters. Otherwise, your current conversation may be coloured by past interactions.
• Let your responses be commensurate to the matter at hand. Do not overblow issues.
• Unless the other party is willing, do not turn a focused conversation into an opportunity to deal with other matters – even when they are good matters. Make sure they have the time for that conversation now. Do not impose.
• Occasionally, it may be okay to walk on eggshells. Just do not make it a habit! Just as you may find yourself cautiously treading the grounds of social media and comment sections just to avoid being drawn into empty spats, you may need to work around some conversations until conditions are right for all parties to be open and receptive to what everyone has to say, without prejudice.

By doing the work of avoiding making assumptions about people and their motives without first hearing them out, we just may eliminate the formation of, and dangers of incomplete stories.